so close I can't stand it...

So my first ultrasound is in less than four days. I'm sooo excited! I can't wait to start buying stuff for the baby. I was really worried about having a girl...because I want a boy so it would make perfect sense that I would have a girl, but I saw pictures of a friend's sister's one year-old little girl and she is absolutely adorable. I've decided I'll be very happy with either boy or girl.

I'm definately starting to show. Well at least I'm definately starting to look significantly fatter. Absolutely no flat belly for me at this point. I am fairly confident that I'll be able to get back to where I was pre-baby, but I'm hoping for a bit smaller than that. I'll have to make a plan.

On Saturday I'll officially be in the middle of my pregnancy, four and a half months or in baby speak 18 weeks. Hmm...I think my baby looks like this, but probably a little browner with more hair:

I think that I've finally gotten used to the fact that I am having a baby. I kind of, sort of, not really, it's complicated want to do my usual thing: planning. It's been a hard adjustment, but I really think this whole thing is an adventure. I'm hoping that kemp will catch on. But I've got lots of things to do in the next few weeks. I want to make a birth plan... There are lots of good examples online, like this site: http://www.childbirth.org/articles/birthplans.html or this one http://www.justmommies.com/quizzes/birthplan.php. I'm not really looking forward to doing this so much, but it's a very important part of the whole planning thing. Especially in the area where I live, I'm very opinionated and I want things done my way during the birth of my child, and here people just let the hospital and doctors do whatever because they don't research things. I also have to sign up for birthing classes and make a list of things I need for the baby and start to plan my baby shower and maybe plan a mini baby moon and decorate the nursery and the list goes on forever. I need to make a list that lists all the lists I need to make.

It all sounds like a lot, but I'm really excited that I'm starting to let myself be really happy about everything. It's been an interesting 3 and half months.

I just have to remember that just because I'm having a baby doesn't mean my life will be ordinary. I've been scared for a long time that my life was going to be ordinary. I think that is why I've been so scared of marriage and moving home and just all of that. My life isn't ordinary. Now I just have to work on kemp.

the 2nd trimester

I'm officially in the middle of my pregnacy (wow, it still feels weird writing that!). I'm feeling much better in every way. I'm still incredibly scared of the responsibility of raising a child, but I'm getting there.

I just visited an old friend that I haven't really spent time with in a while. She has two great boys and that definately made me much more confident in my parenting abilities. She had her first when she was 17. If she can raise two kids like that so young, I know that I can too.

I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time on November 13. Kemp and I went to my last Dr. appt. and recorded the heartbeat. It is really crazy. Most of the time it is very surreal that I have a baby chilling inside of me, but when you hear the heartbeat it makes it very real. My first ultrasound is on Dec. 22 and I'm so excited to actually see the baby. And maybe to find out the gender....go boy! We'll see...

The Morning makes me sick

I think (let me knock on my fake wood desk) that my mornng sickness is starting to subside. No promises though. I guess my body is starting to get use to having the kidney bean inside of me, or maybe it is peanut sized by now, I'm not sure. For more food v. baby comparisons, click here: http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0.

It's crazy because sometimes I completely forget that I'm pregnant. In fact it even feels a bit odd writing that I am pregnant. Maybe I should just scream it, but I doubt that would make me believe it any more or less. I did get really sad today because someone at work was talking about their girlfriend being pregnant. I wish that I could tell people at work and be excited, but I can't.

I'm so scared. I mean I don't want to not want the baby, but it's hard. I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life. It is so frustrating that life is not what you planned. I guess few things go according to plan, but that annoys me even more since I spend so much of my life planning. I'm not sure how else to live it.

An ode to this beginning...

I never really thought this would happen to me. I wanted to have myself, my life and my relationship thoroughly figured out beforehand. I wanted everything to be perfect before bringing anyone into the world. Maybe I just wanted to stall until I was menopausal...I'm not sure, but this certainly did not fit into my plans.

And now despite all of my plans, there will be a kid in this world that is half kemper and half me, and I am miraculously unprepared. 24 and pregant. 25 and a mom. I'm sure I will relax. I'm sure this will get better and worse and better again.

For now, I am horribly sick, almost every minute of the day. Apparently the words "morning sickness" are an absolute lie. I think most bits of pregnancy "facts" are lies to convince us to reproduce. And all of these lies are facilitated by my mother and my sister....I swear I've never seen anyone more excited than these two...I mean I'm an unwed pregnant person for god's sake. According to my family you'd think I was pregnant with the messiah.

But overall I am excited. It's a crazy thing that I have no control of, but I do have the important things to raise a good person. I am madly in love with the father of this kid...I think that was my main concern always....especially considering my mother's history. I'm smart, I have a mad researcher of all things for a best friend, my family is obsessed with this kid (maybe good and bad), we do have a house, and I (after what feels like a billion years) have an actual plan for my life. So maybe I'm more prepared than I think.