Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Morning makes me sick

I think (let me knock on my fake wood desk) that my mornng sickness is starting to subside. No promises though. I guess my body is starting to get use to having the kidney bean inside of me, or maybe it is peanut sized by now, I'm not sure. For more food v. baby comparisons, click here: http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0.

It's crazy because sometimes I completely forget that I'm pregnant. In fact it even feels a bit odd writing that I am pregnant. Maybe I should just scream it, but I doubt that would make me believe it any more or less. I did get really sad today because someone at work was talking about their girlfriend being pregnant. I wish that I could tell people at work and be excited, but I can't.

I'm so scared. I mean I don't want to not want the baby, but it's hard. I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life. It is so frustrating that life is not what you planned. I guess few things go according to plan, but that annoys me even more since I spend so much of my life planning. I'm not sure how else to live it.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

An ode to this beginning...

I never really thought this would happen to me. I wanted to have myself, my life and my relationship thoroughly figured out beforehand. I wanted everything to be perfect before bringing anyone into the world. Maybe I just wanted to stall until I was menopausal...I'm not sure, but this certainly did not fit into my plans.

And now despite all of my plans, there will be a kid in this world that is half kemper and half me, and I am miraculously unprepared. 24 and pregant. 25 and a mom. I'm sure I will relax. I'm sure this will get better and worse and better again.

For now, I am horribly sick, almost every minute of the day. Apparently the words "morning sickness" are an absolute lie. I think most bits of pregnancy "facts" are lies to convince us to reproduce. And all of these lies are facilitated by my mother and my sister....I swear I've never seen anyone more excited than these two...I mean I'm an unwed pregnant person for god's sake. According to my family you'd think I was pregnant with the messiah.

But overall I am excited. It's a crazy thing that I have no control of, but I do have the important things to raise a good person. I am madly in love with the father of this kid...I think that was my main concern always....especially considering my mother's history. I'm smart, I have a mad researcher of all things for a best friend, my family is obsessed with this kid (maybe good and bad), we do have a house, and I (after what feels like a billion years) have an actual plan for my life. So maybe I'm more prepared than I think.