Because it's funny...

Can you see the fear in my eyes?

Just thought I would post this picture of me...it's literally hours before Jack came into the world, or more accurately was pulled out...

Alternatives...

Currently I'm sitting on an exercise ball, that may or may not double as a birthing ball in the next three months.  I also had a strange impulse to youtube birthing videos while watching The Office.  I definately didn't not find what I thought I would.  I've been watching lots of home/water births.  And I also saw this: Orgasms during birth.  Orgasms during birth?  These people have to be kidding.  But it's made me want to do a little more research on alternatives to being highly medicated and not experiencing labor.

I have to come up with my "birth plan" in the next few weeks.  For all those that are unfamiliar with more of this baby jargon a birth plan is just making a "tentative" plan on how I'd like Jackson's birth to be, but it's just a plan and you have to be ready for adjustments to the plan depending on the baby, the birth, and the situation.  I was planning on trying to labor for as long as I could before having the epidural and now I am sort of, kind of, considering delaying it unless I can't handle the pain.  But I'm sure as most of you guys know I'm whiny and fairly weak.  I'm not sure how long I could really go, but all this depends on the pain.  The good thing about this little stint is that I think I'm gonna make a trip to the library and research this whole birthing thing.

I'm feeling very squashed.  I think that Jackson has lodged himself into my right side as my ribcage feels like it is expanding on one side and it really hurts.  I also feel him thumping around under my right breast and down on the bottom of my belly.  I was talking to my mom and she said that I was a permanent fixture in that area.  I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to the next few months.  I guess I should plan on being a lot more squashed.  I just hope that I can breathe.

And the answer is....

  We've done it.  Everyone wants one and we have one. Goodbye penis envy!  I officially have a penis.  Now it's not technically my penis per se, but I do have one or at least the little person inside of me has one.  So we have a Jackson Wayne Maxwell officially!

On the ultrasound, the one on the right side, you can see his leg, his little baby booty and obviously also his penis (it's the line in the middle of the three lines).  So we are very excited, we told my mom and sister whilst grinning ear to ear.  The whole ultrasound experience was very fun and anxiety provoking, for me at least.  I was very nervous.  But the ultrasound technician, a very fast talking woman, assured me that he was right on schedule.  His measurements were great and he weighs 9 ounces or at least he did on December 22.

Yes I have an adorable child.  I have also decided that I can definitely feel him moving.  Though I have heard it described as feeling like "popcorn" or "butterflies fluttering," yeah not my Jackson.  I feel sharp little kicks...possibly to my internal organs.  I thought they were just random pains, but random pains tend to not be rhythmic little stabs.  So I guess Jack already likes to annoy Mom.  He did wave at us in the ultrasound which was very cute, he's already outgoing.  He still looks a bit like an alien, but he isn't fully baked in the oven yet.

I'm 20 weeks tomorrow or five months.  I've got the crazy dark line down my belly.  I've made a baby list and a budget.  Life and planning are beginning to come together.  I'm very excited about 2010, Jackson and our new family.

I'm seriously thinking about writing a book about pregnancy, but it might end our species.

The Morning makes me sick

I think (let me knock on my fake wood desk) that my mornng sickness is starting to subside. No promises though. I guess my body is starting to get use to having the kidney bean inside of me, or maybe it is peanut sized by now, I'm not sure. For more food v. baby comparisons, click here: http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0.

It's crazy because sometimes I completely forget that I'm pregnant. In fact it even feels a bit odd writing that I am pregnant. Maybe I should just scream it, but I doubt that would make me believe it any more or less. I did get really sad today because someone at work was talking about their girlfriend being pregnant. I wish that I could tell people at work and be excited, but I can't.

I'm so scared. I mean I don't want to not want the baby, but it's hard. I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life. It is so frustrating that life is not what you planned. I guess few things go according to plan, but that annoys me even more since I spend so much of my life planning. I'm not sure how else to live it.

An ode to this beginning...

I never really thought this would happen to me. I wanted to have myself, my life and my relationship thoroughly figured out beforehand. I wanted everything to be perfect before bringing anyone into the world. Maybe I just wanted to stall until I was menopausal...I'm not sure, but this certainly did not fit into my plans.

And now despite all of my plans, there will be a kid in this world that is half kemper and half me, and I am miraculously unprepared. 24 and pregant. 25 and a mom. I'm sure I will relax. I'm sure this will get better and worse and better again.

For now, I am horribly sick, almost every minute of the day. Apparently the words "morning sickness" are an absolute lie. I think most bits of pregnancy "facts" are lies to convince us to reproduce. And all of these lies are facilitated by my mother and my sister....I swear I've never seen anyone more excited than these two...I mean I'm an unwed pregnant person for god's sake. According to my family you'd think I was pregnant with the messiah.

But overall I am excited. It's a crazy thing that I have no control of, but I do have the important things to raise a good person. I am madly in love with the father of this kid...I think that was my main concern always....especially considering my mother's history. I'm smart, I have a mad researcher of all things for a best friend, my family is obsessed with this kid (maybe good and bad), we do have a house, and I (after what feels like a billion years) have an actual plan for my life. So maybe I'm more prepared than I think.